


for what you once were

by deantrbl



Category: Captain America, Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Soulmates, brief peggy/steve, it works out do not worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-03
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2018-12-22 11:04:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11966064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deantrbl/pseuds/deantrbl
Summary: they live in a world of black and white, their soulmate being the only thing to set them apart from that.bucky couldn't care less about his soulmate.that is, until he actually met them.or:steve is bucky's soulmate, but bucky is not his.





	for what you once were

**Author's Note:**

> i am more or less reposting my first fic here, though with a number of corrections. 
> 
> super unbeta'd. if you notice any mistakes feel free to point them out !
> 
> please enjoy!! comments / kudos are greatly appreciated!!

   Bucky is eight and his teacher is droning on about soulmates. He doesn't bother to pay attention because he's heard this countless times and doesn't care about it any more than the last.

   They get the lesson every year, and it’s the same every time. _Because once isn't enough_ , Bucky thinks. Everyone has a soulmate, platonic or romantic. _You’ll know_ , the teacher will say, _because the second you look at them you’ll finally be able to see colour. When I looked into my husband’s eyes_ , she'll continue, dazedly, _my world was filled with some of the most beautiful and vibrant colours. I was speechless._

   Bucky already knows the gist of it. You meet your soulmate, your vision is filled with countless different shades of all the colours the teachers told them about, and life is supposed to be smooth sailing after that. Bucky doesn’t believe a word of it, nor does he care. Part of him feels bothered about their blatant avoidance on unrequited cases, but he pushes it asides and sets to ignore it. _Not that I care_ , Bucky thinks to himself. _If anything, I'd pay to be one of them_.

   Bucky is 13 when he's going on a walk and he sees some kid who he wasn't planning on sparing another glance- but then he does involuntarily, because suddenly the trees that the park is engulfed in are this beautiful mix between red and yellow and orange and the sky is a pale blue and everything’s absolutely breathtaking- and maybe his teacher wasn’t really exaggerating about the whole thing.

   When Bucky looks back at the kid (Steve, he later learns), he doesn’t really looked phased by the whole thing and when Bucky is reminded of unrequited soulmates he feels a pang in his chest. He pushes it aside.

   Bucky is 14 and he’s slowly, painfully, falling in love with Steve (who, Bucky now knows, can’t see colour) and he can’t understand how he actually wished for an unrequited soulmate as a kid because it is so much worse than he could’ve ever imagined. He hates it, he hates it so, so fucking much, but he has to pretend he can’t see colour. He has to.

   Bucky is 26 and Steve's excitedly rambling on about Peggy- his soulmate- and _the colours, they're so beautiful, Buck!_ and _I hope you meet her, whoever she is, soon, it really is amazing_ and Bucky forces a smile, like he’s been doing for years. He even adds a light _me too, Stevie, me too,_ just to humour him.

(Later, after he's met Peggy and sees how absolutely happy Steve is around her, if he gets piss drunk, nobody has to know.)

   Bucky's not sure how old he is but HYDRA has wiped his memory too many times for him to be able to remember anyways. He's sitting in a chair and somebody's fixing his arm while he's staring at nothing. The colour starts to fade and soon enough everything's black and white. He doesn't bother telling them because they wouldn't care anyways. If he feels like he’s missing something big, something massive, then Bucky decides it doesn’t matter and that he’s probably imagining it.

 

 

   Steve is asleep in the ice and then he's not but there's no colour and all he can think is that she's gone, Peggy's gone. He’s distant for a while, like his body’s there but his mind isn’t. Even though he has to force through a smile because right now, he needs to be Captain America and he needs to be there for his country to help them, there’s this empty feeling that Steve’s got. He feels it everywhere and no matter what he does, it won’t go away.

 

   Steve's been awake for a few years now, having somehow ended up in DC along the way. He's being attacked, but the man's mask falls off and it takes a moment for Steve to realize that this man is Bucky. The fight continues despite its buffer and Steve's thoughts are in too many places at once for him to realize he could see colour again. Steve manages to retreat at some point and it's once he's back that he notices. He takes it all in with a sharp breath and sits there as his hands start to shake and heart begins to race.

He cries that night, knowing Bucky is his soulmate. He lies there in his own pathetic sobs and twisted happiness that is rooted in knowing that Bucky is his soulmate, but knowing Bucky can't, and won't remember him.

  
   Bucky's still not sure how old he is (28? 96?) but Pierce is saying something and his cheek stings from where Pierce slapped him but the only thing that's going through his head is a constant string of _I knew him, I knew him, I knew him,_ his thoughts so loud that he almost missed the familiar colours he'd been yearning for ever since. He's not sure what it means, but the feeling of emptiness that's been haunting him for years is gone, and he couldn't be more thankful.

  
   Steve's sitting in his apartment and it's been a week since he saw Bucky and it occurs to him that maybe, maybe Bucky's his soulmate but Steve's not his. He ponders the thought until there's a knock at the door. When gets up and opens it he sees Bucky's face, and he wonders for a split moment if he's hallucinating. He realizes he's not when Bucky steps forward and wraps his arms around Steve, hiding his face in his neck. He wants to say something, anything, but he knows the only thing they have the emotional energy for right now is holding onto each other. Steve cries again, but this time out of relief, because Bucky is finally here and safe.

  
   Bucky's probably in his late twenties (late nineties, technically), by now, and he's been through a lot. He and Steve have been dancing around it, but one day when they're sitting on the couch with the TV playing some movie in the background Steve pauses it and turns to him quietly. He opens his mouth and his voice shakes when he asks Bucky if he can see colour. Bucky knows Steve well enough by now the read between the lines (please, for the love of God, Buck, tell me we're soulmates). He sighs and rubs his forehead and tries his best to come up with an answer.

He finds himself choking on his own words, but Steve stays patient with him regardless. He answers Steve's question, eventually, with a simple affirmative. There's a gap of silence when Steve doesn't respond because he knows there more to it. He tells him, after a long wait, that he could see colour since that day in the park, and Steve's only response is a sharp gasp.

Bucky looks up and there are tears on Steve's cheeks, and he's trying to ask Bucky over his mess of jumbled words why he kept it secret, why, why, why. He's babbling at this point, sobbing over countless apologizes even when Bucky knows none of it was his fault. Neither of them say much else that night, wrapped up in each other, desperately trying to get back what time lost.

 

  
   Bucky’s 30 and his memories no longer feel broken up and scattered. He and Steve are sitting together on the couch, the remaining Avengers sprawled somewhere throughout the room. This last fight was incredibly risky and they're all exhausted, too bent up and bruised to move. Steve loosely grabs his hand and rubs his thumb along the back. Bucky glances down at their hands and looks at the ring and smiles despite himself.

   He remembers Steve pulling him aside just beforehand and shoving it in his hands, promising that if they got out of this alive he would marry Bucky. He had scoffed in return and called him overdramatic, playfully rolling his eyes and laughing at the suggestion as he waved Steve off to join the rest of them.

If Bucky stayed behind a few moments to slip the ring on and smile to himself, Steve wouldn't tease him about it when he jogged over to his side.


End file.
